Mentally exhausted

 Aaaww! I can't believe it has been years since I blogged.

I have once thought of changing my blog website but when I visited my old blog (which is this one!), I felt so happy to see my old memories and I felt I should continue blogging in the same space.

I am trying to regularly do journaling, but this morning I couldn't find my journal so I thought I should share here. 

How do I feel today?

To be honest, I feel so tired mentally. I feel numb, like a robot. I am not motivated with my dissertation work. I am still working, but I don't feel any sparks. Also I got very anxious almost on a daily basis. My anxiety comes to things like "how long can we live and stay in Hawaii?", "when will I graduate?", "if we go home, can B get a good therapy there?", "where will B go to school?" , "I'm not ready to leave Hawaii, I love Hawaii" but then I also got other anxieties such as "but if we live in Hawaii, we don't have enough money", "will I get a job over summer?", "what if LIPI doesn't approve my study permit?".

ALL THESE FEELINGS KILL ME.

My husband keep saying that I should not think about it all the time. But you know, it's easier said than done. To me, it is very complicated. Like, you want to graduate but if I graduate than we all have to go home and the boys will have to say goodbye to their friends. Writing this down now I feel so silly. But when it is in my mind, I feel like the anxiety never ends. This is probably why I should keep writing and writing and writing everyday! I actually feel much better after typing all my feelings down. 

So anyway, yeah, I just want to share how I feel and what makes m anxious lately.  I guess what makes me anxious is because 1) I am not ready to accept reality and 2) I have to accept the reality because I don't have any power, I can't control the outcome according to what I want. And that makes me unhappy. But I still have hope, and that's why I guess the anxiety comes in. All those conflicting feelings lead to me being anxious. I have some hope, I have some dreams, BUT it may not come true, I can't control the outcome and I can't control my feeling. 

I can't believe how fast the time goes. It's December already. And I haven't gone any near to a completion for my dissertation. *sigh

I guess what I need right now is definitely a break. Hopefully I can feel much better after winter break.